For this chapter, I want you to focus on a significant person in your life that is NOT a member of your immediate family (no siblings or parents/grandparents). This can be a best friend, a spouse, a boyfriend or girlfriend, or a coworker. I want you to analyze your relationship using some of the concepts we covered in this chapter and answer the following questions. 1). How did you meet (and was proximity involved at all)? 2). Do you feel you are similar to this person, or do you think you are in that “opposites attract” arrangement (this is possible for pure friendships, too!). 3). What is the driving force behind your affiliation – is it biological, individual, or situational, and why (that is, describe that force)? Finally (but optionally!), if it is a love oriented relationship, which level do you think you are at (passionate, companionate, or consummate)? For your follow-up comment, use some of what you learn in this chapter to compare and contrast your own relationship with the relationship of another group member. Do you think they have a better strategy than you do for maintaining their relationship, or do you think you are the one who stumbled into the perfect relationship or friendship?
Chapter 11
Attraction & Intimacy:
Meeting, Liking, Becoming Acquainted
(Part 1 – Internal Determinants)
An Overview of This Chapter
- The tends to be one of the chapters that students respond to most, as it often has a direct bearing on your present lives
College is usually a time of transition, as you seek out who you will become and start gaining skills for your future careers
Yet this time of your life entails a lot of relationship transitions as well. You may have recently left home, leaving family and friends and the familiarity of childhood.
In college, you are meeting new people and developing new relationships (both friendship and romantic). This chapter will focus on several aspects of these Interpersonal Relationships
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An Overview of This Chapter
- This chapter will focus on five sections, including:
Part One: Internal Determinants of Attraction
Part Two: External Determinants of Attraction
Part Three: Interactive Determinants of Attraction
Part Four: Love Relationships
Part Five: End of a Relationship
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Part One
Internal Determinants of Attraction:
The Need to Affiliate and the Basic Role of Affect
Internal Determinants of Attraction
- In this segment, we are going to focus on two internal aspects of relationships, including:
1). The importance of affiliation for human existence
A. Neurobiological factors
B. Individual differences in the need to affiliate
C. Situational factors in the need to affiliate
2). The basic role of affect
A. Direct & Indirect (Associated) Effects
B. Excitation transfer
C. Laughter and liking
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Internal Determinants of Attraction
- 1). The importance of affiliation for human existence
Our first task in this section is to figure out why human beings are driven to affiliate, or to connect, with other people
Given what you have learned in this course thus far, you can see that humans don’t always connect well with others (as is the case in prejudice and with some of our self-serving biases
But don’t get too discouraged! We are social beings, and we depend on one another for companionship, safety, affection, love, and a whole host of needs, pretty much from birth
You can tell that these needs exist at a biological level …
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Internal Determinants of Attraction
- 1). The importance of affiliation for human existence
A. Affiliation may be based on neurobiological factors
Human infants seem to be born with the motivation to seek contact with those in their social environment.
Newborns prefer to look at faces more than other stimuli
In particular, they love looking at attractive faces!
Thus humans respond automatically to facial features
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Internal Determinants of Attraction
- 1). The importance of affiliation for human existence
A. Affiliation may be based on neurobiological factors
Think about such neurobiological factors in the context of other kinds of facial features, namely facial expressions
Are facial expressions universal? If so, this helps support a biological need to understand other human beings
On the following slides, try to pick out the emotion the person is expressing!
Internal Determinants of Attraction
- 1). The importance of affiliation for human existence
A. Affiliation may be based on neurobiological factors
I’m sure you got most of the six primary emotions correct on the prior slides, as they are readily recognized by almost all people across the world …
Happiness, Fear, Sadness, Anger, Surprise, Disgust
But here is a quick answer key for you just in case …
Happiness
Fear
Sadness
Anger
Surprise
Disgust
Internal Determinants of Attraction
- 1). The importance of affiliation for human existence
A. Affiliation may be based on neurobiological factors.
Our ability to recognize the emotional expressions of others gives us adaptive cues, telling us what we can expect
These cues are not something that we need to learn. Instead, they seem very innate and natural
Doesn’t this give support to the notion that we are hard-wired to notice and affiliate with other people?
In that same vein, is it any wonder that we like and are attracted to those who smile and exhibit positive energy (animation) toward us?
Internal Determinants of Attraction
- 1). The importance of affiliation for human existence
B. Individual differences exist in our need to affiliate. Not all people are motivated to affiliate with others to the same extent
The need for affiliation is a motive to seek and maintain interpersonal relationships (this is a fairly stable trait)
Those high in need for affiliation can hardly go an hour alone by themselves without feeling anxious
Those low in need for affiliation may find themselves living the life of a hermit in the everglades!
Most of us fall between these extremes (thankfully!)
Internal Determinants of Attraction
- 1). The importance of affiliation for human existence
B. Individual differences exist in our need to affiliate. Not all people are motivated to affiliate with others to the same extent
Yet even those of us “in the middle” desire human contact:
When our affiliation needs are not met, sadness and anger may result, and our cognitive functioning may be affected
Internal Determinants of Attraction
- 1). The importance of affiliation for human existence
C. Situational influences may enhance our need to affiliate
Threatening situations (natural disasters) increase affiliation
People like to affiliate with those who are experiencing the same negative event
This provides a means for social comparison
Internal Determinants of Attraction
- 1). The importance of affiliation for human existence
C. Situational influences may enhance our need to affiliate
Threatening situations (natural disasters) increase affiliation
You can see this when people face crisis beyond their control. During 9/11, people sought out churches and family and friends, anything to avoid being alone
Internal Determinants of Attraction
- 1). The importance of affiliation for human existence
C. Situational influences may enhance our need to affiliate
Threatening situations (natural disasters) increase affiliation
In one study, participants anticipated either a severe or a mild electrical shock
While in a waiting room, those anticipating a severe shock sat closer to other participants than those expecting mild shocks
Apparently, misery love company, especially if the rest of the company is also miserable!
Internal Determinants of Attraction
- 2). Affect as a basic response system
We have already discussed affect many times—it’s a person’s emotional state (positive and negative feelings and moods)
Affect greatly impacts our attraction to others
Once again, evolutionary factors offer an explanation regarding why affect is a basic component of human behavior.
Simple, quick discriminations between stimuli can be made
Distinguishing between positive and negative stimuli helps us identify potential threats, thus increasing our likelihood of survival and reproduction
Internal Determinants of Attraction
- 2). Affect as a basic response system
A. At its most basic, emotion has a direct effect on attraction
Positive affect leads to liking others
We like others better when we are in a positive mood
Other people’s positive moods can be contagious, making us feel better and increasing liking for them
Internal Determinants of Attraction
- 2). Affect as a basic response system
A. At its most basic, emotion has a direct effect on attraction
Negative affect leads to disliking or avoiding others
Have you ever lashed out at others or been particularly annoyed by them when you are sad, in pain, worried?
Sometimes you just want to get away from everyone!
Others’ anger, unhappiness, and negative affect may make them less appealing, so we may try to avoid them, too
Internal Determinants of Attraction
- 2). Affect as a basic response system
A. Yet emotions can also have an indirect (associated) effect
Remember classical conditioning? A neutral stimulus (after being paired with an unconditioned stimulus) leads to the same response as that unconditioned stimulus
The same thing can happen with associated effects …
Subliminally present a pleasant picture, and the positive feelings aroused by the pleasant picture may transfer to other objects
Think about the following picture …
Viewing appealing pictures like this can increase expressed liking of a person (or a product!) that one sees shortly after viewing such positive pictures.
Of course, subliminally presenting unpleasant pictures can provide a similar (albeit negative) associated effect.
Think about the following picture …
.
Yuck! Viewing this can decrease expressed liking of a person one is about to meet. (Especially this guy, but others you might meet also!)
Advertisers often pair their ad messages with positive images (which increases consumers’ good feelings for the product and makes purchases more likely)
Hi there.
Enjoying the picture?
Okay, you probably think I am being mean keeping this picture on your computer screen, huh?
I am!
Let’s move on to another effect of affect on attraction
Internal Determinants of Attraction
- 2). Affect as a basic response system
B. Excitation Transfer / Arousal Misattribution
If we’re physiologically aroused (heart beating faster, sweaty palms, etc.), we try to attribute that arousal to a source
This is what happened in the Schracter and Singer study (injecting people with epinephrine and telling them there were no side effects)
But sometimes we misattribute the source of our arousal, and think it comes from (or because of) something else
For example, …
Internal Determinants of Attraction
- 2). Affect as a basic response system
B. Excitation Transfer / Arousal Misattribution
In one study, men ran in place for:
15 seconds OR
2 minutes
All men then saw a tape of an attractive woman
Those men who had been running for 2 minutes saw the attractive woman as even more attractive than men who had been running for only 15 seconds.
Thus arousal from the exercise was attributed to attraction
Internal Determinants of Attraction
- 2). Affect as a basic response system
C. Laughter and liking go hand in hand!
Laughter helps strengthen bonds between people. Indeed, early interactions with others usually involve forms of play that evoke laughter. It is even evolutionarily based
Think about laughing kids! They do it so naturally cross-culturally, and it really improves their socialization
Internal Determinants of Attraction
- 2). Affect as a basic response system
C. Laughter and liking also apply to adults!
Sharing a humorous experience increases the likelihood of a pleasant interaction between individuals.
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “NO! I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly, completely embarrassed, and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a student in psychology methods, and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?!”
- Did you like this joke? Well, if you did, maybe it will strengthen our instructor/student bond! That is …
Internal Determinants of Attraction
- 2). Affect as a basic response system
C. Laughter and liking also apply to adults!
Sharing a humorous experience increases the likelihood of a pleasant interaction between individuals.
Have you noticed how many speeches begin with a funny anecdote or joke?
The speaker is “warming up” the audience so they will like the speaker and the rest of the presented content, strengthening their “bond”
Internal Determinants of Attraction
- 2). Affect as a basic response system
D. Manipulating affect can be used to influence behavior
Media advertising attempts to manipulate affect to influence consumers’ and voters’ behaviors.
Attempts are often subtle and effective.
Effect of affect on evaluation is greatest …
when the audience is uninformed
when they are unaware that their emotional state is being manipulated
when they are engaged in making decisions
Internal Determinants of Attraction
- Although it is very important to have internal determinants for attraction, little can happen if you never meet those you are bound to love! Part 2 explores such external determinants in attraction
Chapter 11
Attraction & Intimacy:
Meeting, Liking, Becoming Acquainted
(Part 3 – Interactive Determinants)
Part Three
Interactive Determinants of Attraction:
Similarity and Mutual Liking
Interactions in Attraction
- As you probably noticed in the prior two sections on internal and external determinants of attraction, they often seem to overlap.
- This interaction is the main focus of this part of the lecture, where we will look at …
1). Similarity
2). Mutual Evaluations
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In dating behaviors, people often choose a partner who “matches” them in attractiveness (this is called the matching hypothesis)
Interactions in Attraction
- 1). Similarity: Do birds of a feather flock together?
Yup, similarity often predicts subsequent liking!
Equally true for males and females, as well as people of different ages, cultures, and educational statuses
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Interactions in Attraction
- 1). Similarity
The more similar someone is to us, the more we like them (recall the self-referencing effect!)
The matching hypothesis thus finds that people usually become romantically involved with others equivalent in attractiveness
Opposites usually do NOT attract, or they quickly fizzle when they do
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Interactions in Attraction
- 1). Similarity: Do birds of a feather flock together?
Like the matching hypothesis, the Similarity-Dissimilarity Effect posits that people respond positively when another person is similar to themselves and negatively when another person is dissimilar
Similar people are judged as more intelligent, moral, better informed, and better adjusted than dissimilar people
We feed on this, because when others remind us of us, it makes us feel all the better!
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Interactions in Attraction
- 2). Mutual evaluations: Reciprocal liking or disliking
Mutual liking is an intermediate, middle step between the initial attraction of two people and their subsequent relationship
People enjoy being evaluated positively by others, even if the evaluation is inaccurate or insincere
On the other hand, people dislike those who dislike and negatively evaluate them.
Unfortunately, people may lash out against even the closest of friends if they feel that their own self-concept is threatened
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Interactions in Attraction
- 2). Mutual evaluations: Reciprocal liking or disliking
You might really like or love your friend (or romantic partner), but you may turn on them if you yourself feel threatened
Make sure to watch the film on Envy (required), which you can find under supplemental materials
Why do you think turning on a friend makes you feel better? It’s probably due to that idea of “Misery loves company” we discussed earlier, but it also helps us feel better through social comparisons, doesn’t it? The funny thing is that this may happen unconsciously, as the video shows!
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Interactions in Attraction
- Short section, I know! Let’s move on and look at Part 4, which focuses on what you really want to discuss … love!
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Chapter 11
Attraction & Intimacy:
Meeting, Liking, Becoming Acquainted
(Part 2 – External Determinants)
Part Two
External Determinants of Attraction Proximity and Observable Characteristics
“Contrary to popular belief, I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best;
they are merely the people who got there first.”
(Sir Peter Ustinov, 1977)
External Determinants of Attraction
- In this segment, we are going to focus on the external aspects of relationships, including:
1). The power of proximity
2). Observable characteristics
3). Biological aspects of attractiveness
4). Defining attractiveness
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External Determinants of Attraction
- 1). The power of proximity: Unplanned contacts
Proximity refers to the physical distance or closeness between two people, such as …
where they live
where they sit in a classroom
where they work
where they shop
where they exercise
where they go to church
and so on
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External Determinants of Attraction
- 1). The power of proximity: Unplanned contacts
Why does proximity matter? Repeated exposure may be a key
Remember the mere exposure effect?
Frequent contact with positive, neutral, and even mildly negative stimulus usually results in increasingly positive evaluations of that stimulus (though this is unconscious)
Note I said mildly negative. If you really, really hate it, repeated exposure might make you hate it more!
Repeated exposure lacking harmful results increases familiarity, reduces uncertainty, and increases liking
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External Determinants of Attraction
- 1). The power of proximity: Unplanned contacts
Why does proximity matter?
How might proximity affect love relationships? Think about this guy, who weighs the advantages and disadvantages of long distance relationships given our high gas prices
There is an optional (and very sad) video about proximity you can find under supplemental materials
- Let’s look at several facets of observable characteristics now …
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External Determinants of Attraction
- 2). Observable characteristics: Instant evaluations also matter
A. First impressions can arouse strong affect (either positive or negative) and may overcome the effects of proximity
Although our past experiences, stereotypes, and attributions may not really apply to a new person we are about to meet, we may still use those things to evaluate that new person
Any clown phobics out there?
All clowns are scary, even those you have yet to meet!
How do we respond to physical attractiveness?
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- 2). Observable characteristics: Instant evaluations also matter
B. We use physical attractiveness to judge a book by its covers
Physical attractiveness involves a combination of features
Evaluated as beautiful or handsome at the positive end
Evaluated as unattractive at the negative end
Although people rarely fit both extremes, how would your first impressions toward them differ if you saw the same person as attractive or unattractive?
Thank you, Hollywood! …
External Determinants of Attraction
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Gwenyth Paltrow – Shallow Hal
Charlize Theron – Monster
But how do we perceive the attractive and unattractive?
- 2). Observable characteristics: Instant evaluations also matter
C. People hold stereotypes based on people’s appearance
Most people associate attractive men and women with being interesting, sociable, exciting, well-adjusted, and successful
“What is beautiful is good” is a common stereotype
External Determinants of Attraction
But what is “good” is socially derived. What about inner beauty? The movie “Shallow Hal” with Jack Black has an interesting idea about this
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- 2). Observable characteristics: Instant evaluations also matter
C. People hold stereotypes based on people’s appearance
Are attractiveness stereotypes accurate? Who knows!
Attractiveness IS associated with popularity, high self-esteem, and interpersonal skills
But these associations may result from how others treat attractive people
Remember the self-fulfilling prophecy?
Maybe this is happening!
Consider this study …
External Determinants of Attraction
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- 2). Observable characteristics: Instant evaluations also matter
In one study, men were led to believe (falsely) that their phone partner was either very attractive or not attractive.
The men behaved consistently with this belief:
Attractive partner men acted sociable and friendly
Unattractive partner men acted less sociable and friendly
The woman responded in kind
If he behaved warmly toward her, then she behaved warmly and sociably toward him
External Determinants of Attraction
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- 2). Observable characteristics: Instant evaluations also matter
External Determinants of Attraction
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- 2). Observable characteristics: Instant evaluations also matter
C. People hold stereotypes based on people’s appearance
Thus it is possible that attractive people respond in warm and friendly manners (confirming the stereotype) because others act friendly and warm toward them
The self-fulfilling prophecy … fulfilled!
External Determinants of Attraction
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- 2). Observable characteristics: Instant evaluations also matter
C. People hold stereotypes based on people’s appearance
But there are exceptions to positive stereotypes regarding attractive people
Beautiful women may be seen as vain or materialistic
Only attractive male (not female) political candidates are more likely to be elected
So beauty only goes so far. But what about culture? …
External Determinants of Attraction
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- 2). Observable characteristics: Instant evaluations also matter
D. What about cultural aspects of beauty?
Although positive stereotypes are related to attractiveness, the content of what is attractive differ according to the traits, beliefs, and values of each specific culture
External Determinants of Attraction
Large ear decorations in some cultures
Long necks in others
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- 2). Observable characteristics: Instant evaluations also matter
D. What about cultural aspects of beauty?
Although positive stereotypes are related to attractiveness, the content of what is attractive differ according to the traits, beliefs, and values of each specific culture
External Determinants of Attraction
It even happens in the animal kingdom when the lions get jealous of giraffes!
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- 2). Observable characteristics: Instant evaluations also matter
D. What about cultural aspects of beauty?
Judgments of beauty change over time, across cultures, and across circumstances.
Beauty may simply be in the eye of the beholder!
External Determinants of Attraction
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- 2). Observable characteristics: Instant evaluations also matter
D. What about cultural aspects of beauty?
Judgments of beauty change over time, across cultures, and across circumstances.
External Determinants of Attraction
How do these portraits compare to current ideals of feminine beauty?
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- 3). Biological aspects of attractiveness
Three lines of research suggest that the appeal of physically attractiveness may be biological
A. Infants (2-months old!) look longer at faces considered attractive than at faces considered unattractive
B. There is cross-cultural consistency of what is beautiful
C. Some features are consistently and reliably associated with attractiveness.
That is, regardless of race or culture, are the following people attractive? …
External Determinants of Attraction
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- 3). Biological aspects of attractiveness
Men “prefer” healthy women who can produce healthy offspring Surface indicators of reproductive ability and health include …
Youthfulness
Attractiveness
Women “prefer” men who have healthy resources. Typical indicators of healthy resources include
Older men
Money and status
External Determinants of Attraction
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- 3). Biological aspects of attractiveness
Note that the “preferences” on the prior slide appear to have some cross-cultural consistency, but that the availability of partners who fit the “mold” is limited
Also note that this is a biological drive, and can be overridden by our cognitions, culture, social, and personal drives
- That being said, do you notice a pattern among these couples? …
External Determinants of Attraction
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Yeah, we may think this internally, but who really says it aloud?
Imagine the Personal Ads for These People!
Her Ad: “Sexy blonde bombshell, 5’7” ,slender, seeking friend / lover / companion. You must be confident, financially secure, mature, and willing to please”
His Ad: “White male, 50, looking for female to be spoiled and pampered in palatial home. Please be 21-29 and have extremely sexy figure”
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- 4). So what IS attractive? Defining “attractiveness”
A. Observable characteristics
Two different procedures are used to determine what facial features are associated with attractiveness
First, identifying attractive individuals and discovering the characteristics that they share
Waist-to-hip ratio of .7 for women (Playboy Models)
External Determinants of Attraction
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- 4). So what IS attractive? Defining “attractiveness”
A. Observable characteristics
Two different procedures are used to determine what facial features are associated with attractiveness
First, identifying attractive individuals and discovering the characteristics that they share
Men find “baby-faced” features attractive in women: Big eyes and forehead, round cheeks, a small nose, a wide smile. For example …
External Determinants of Attraction
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- 4). So what IS attractive? Defining “attractiveness”
External Determinants of Attraction
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- 4). So what IS attractive? Defining “attractiveness”
A. Observable characteristics
Two different procedures are used to determine what facial features are associated with attractiveness
Second, creating a composite image of combined faces
Attractiveness seems focused on facial symmetry and average, so adding faces together can smooth out the “rough edges” in people’s faces. Consider …
External Determinants of Attraction
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4 Faces
8 Faces
16 Faces
32 Faces
4 Faces
8 Faces
16 Faces
32 Faces
Below are “average” faces composited together. Don’t they
seem to become more attractive as more faces are included?
64 Female Faces: Composite
64 Male Faces: Composite
And now: The Freakiest Composite You Will Ever See!
- 4). So what IS attractive? Defining “attractiveness”
A. Observable characteristics (all optional below)
Want to try your own hand at “compositing” faces? You can do so through an interactive website. Find the link under supplemental materials (optional) and see what kinds of “freaks” you can create!
You can also find a link to a facial symmetry and attractiveness Ted Talk under supplemental materials
External Determinants of Attraction
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- 4). So what IS attractive? Defining “attractiveness”
A. Observable characteristics
Neatness and the color of one’s clothing, men’s facial hair, observable disabilities, eyeglasses, perceived age, and actions that suggest mental illness can al influence attractiveness ratings
Men’s height also makes a difference …
External Determinants of Attraction
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- 4). So what IS attractive? Defining “attractiveness”
A. Observable characteristics
Men’s height is perceived to be related to qualities such as leadership, virility, and masculinity
People tend to elect the tallest (and most attractive) candidate who is running for president
External Determinants of Attraction
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- 4). So what IS attractive? Defining “attractiveness”
B. Observable characteristics – your own attractiveness ratings
Your judgments of your own attractiveness usually do not align with other’s judgments of your attractiveness, but two people usually agree when rating a third person
Greatest agreement occurs when men are judging the attractiveness of a woman
External Determinants of Attraction
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- 4). So what IS attractive? Defining “attractiveness”
C. Situational characteristics
Objects someone has just seen (like photos of attractive people) influence their ratings of others (recall priming!)
A person recently exposed to exceptionally beautiful people are more critical of other people’s looks than a person exposed to average looking people
This also involves social comparison effects (Chapter 7)
External Determinants of Attraction
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- 4). So what IS attractive? Defining “attractiveness”
C. Situational characteristics
Research in bars has found that bar patrons appear more attractive to potential partners as closing time nears!
Of course, there are lots of explanations for this:
The good looking people leave early (go home with the other good looking people!)
Alcohol makes everyone look more attractive!
External Determinants of Attraction
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- 4). So what IS attractive? Defining “attractiveness”
D. Behavioral characteristics
A youthful walking style
A firm handshake
Animated behavior
Active participation in discussions
Modesty …
… all are associated with positive responses from others
External Determinants of Attraction
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- 4). So what IS attractive? Defining “attractiveness”
D. Behavioral characteristics
Men who act in dominant, authoritative, and / or competitive manners in initial encounters are liked better than those who appear submissive and noncompetitive
However, after several interactions, men who are pro-social and sensitive are preferred
Bad boys intrigue women, but they marry good guys!
External Determinants of Attraction
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- 4). So what IS attractive? Defining “attractiveness”
E. Behavioral AND observable characteristics
A person’s physique is related to stereotypes that affect their attractiveness even when there is no relationship between physique and personality
Excess fat is the least favored physique in the US, and obesity is stigmatized
It can even be associated with someone who is near a person who is obese (that priming effect again!)
External Determinants of Attraction
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- 4). So what IS attractive? Defining “attractiveness”
E. Behavioral AND observable characteristics
A person’s physique is related to stereotypes that affect their attractiveness even when there is no relationship between physique and personality
People who eat healthy food are judged as more likeable and morally superior than those who eat “junk food.”
External Determinants of Attraction
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- Of course, internal and external determinants of attraction are not mutually exclusive. That is, they often overlap. In Part 3, we will look further at that overlap, seeing how both similarity and mutual evaluations impact attraction.
External Determinants of Attraction
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